Why being a drunken pirate is better and videos on the toilet are a good idea

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August 16, 2013 by fatcai

Once upon a time in the USA, I had the pleasure of going to college in the Mid-west with people that were also extreme drunkards.

One of these extreme drunkards, a Jew who is now on his way to being an extremely good lawyer, had the wonderful idea of drinking a ton of rum while dressed as a pirate. So off to the party store we went for a pile of cheap eye patches and pirate hats. After grabbing future entrepreneur, we began raiding gay best friends collection of white t-shirts, ripping them up pirate style and once the eye patches and hats were on we were ready to go forth and plunder, now under the aliases of Captain Shamrock, Captain Tranny, Captain Bratwurst and Captain Threeway.

And so began the grand Tour de Frats, a crawl of the different frat parties while raiding and plundering their alcohol supplies. Like any good pirates we also had our trusty hipflasks with us. We were celebrities, everyone was taking photos of us. I had my camera too and we were constantly taking sexy selfies.

At some stage in the night Captain Shamrock, Captain Bratwurst and Captain Threeway crawled back to Captain Bratwurst’s room and continued the party, well, in Captain Threeway style. Clothes were removed, making out commenced and various body parts were touched and sucked. Captain Tranny returned and wondered how things got from fully clothed to half naked in the time he went to the bathroom.

This is what rum does.

As various rumours were circulating about Captain Threeway’s sexuality at the time, gay best friend and I decided to perform The Gay Test on him. With our tongues. (He failed. i.e is straight).

At some point the next morning everyone woke up in various places with various degrees of memory loss. I remembered something about my camera though we couldn’t find it anywhere so we went to Captain Tranny’s to investigate. The drunkard had gone home with my camera. As we looked through the photos from the night before we were amazed firstly at our sexiness and secondly at how raunchy we were getting. In some photos it wasn’t apparent who was doing what to whom.

Then came a photo of a penis. Close up. Just a penis. But whose?

After a short delay, Captain Bratwurst suddenly had a moment of clarity and successfully identified the penis as his very own Bratwurst. We stared at each other bemused. Who and when and why?

The mystery remained until a few days later, a quiet Wednesday, when we received news that Captain Tranny had discovered the story behind the Bratwurst. In the form of videos he had made on his phone. Oh dear.

Scene: bathroom stalls in an all male frat house.

The first video begins with myself on the toilet, no nudity as I was wearing a skirt but Captain Tranny is still videoing me peeing while Captain Bratwurst stands by my side faithfully pouring pure vodka from the hipflask down my throat.

The second video is Captain Bratwurst with his Bratwurst out peeing away. I unfortunately was unable to be a good friend and replace the fluids that he was rapidly losing as it it would seem that they had all been consumed while I was on the John. Instead to occupy myself I decided to photograph his penis. This was actually something I went through a phase of for about a year. Snapping random dude’s penises while they pissed. Anyway all the flashes from the camera seemed to make Captain Bratwurst feel somewhat like a celebrity and so decided to stop holding his Bratwurst and instead use his arms and hips to make paparazzi poses. With the result, of course, that his piss went everywhere.

I felt inspired to tell this story after a similar blackout night with work colleagues very recently. We know it started at 7pm with pitchers of Mojitos. We know it ended at 5am with everyone passing out and vomiting. What happened in between, noone really knows. The only photo that exists is of us with facial expressions that clearly show we are up to no good.

So kids, make sure to dress as pirates whenever possible. Everyone loves a good pirate and you can get away with almost everything because pirates are supposed to wreak havoc. You also need to make sure you document everything as it happens in the form of photos or video. This will help avoid any confusion and/or pregnancy scares the next morning.

Where are all the other pirates?

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