March 22, 2013 by fatcai
So for Irish people, St. Patrick’s Day is important. Well no. First of all St. Patrick’s Day was not at all important. Then the Americans started making it important and being insane about it like they are about everything. Then the Irish saw what the Americans had done and thought it was great because you get to not work and just get drunk and this is after all what the Irish do best. And millions of Irish pubs all over the world also thought St.Patrick’s Day would be a great idea because then they can make money from silly foreigners with romanticised ideas about Ireland and Guinness also thought it would be great because they can sell watered down past its sell by date Guinness to silly foreigners with romanticised ideas about Ireland and this is why Guinness is the only….no wait…oh yes.. the ONLY successful thing to ever come out of Ireland apart from maybe Bono but Bono is tediously dull.
So Paddy’s Day somehow seems to be a day I often seem to spend abroad. I did two years a row in Chicago and this year in Germany and here are some tips for making the most out of Paddy’s Day in a foreign land.
1. Find a fun, attractive Couchsurfing host and preferably also some other Irish friends from back home. This will ensure lots of sexual energy so that when you also throw alcohol into the mix, it can only turn out well.
2. Put on a “Sexy Leprechaun” costume. Make sure the strapless dress is too loose so it keeps falling down and revealing your bra and/or boobs. This will come in handy later.
3. Start drinking before you have even had your breakfast. You need good preparations in order to drink the whole damn day.
4. Go to the bar, start taking shots before Midday and convince the bartender that the only male with you ordered you over the internet and that you will be available again for rent next weekend. Withdraw this kind offer if he tells you about the syphillis he gave to the girl from the gas station up the road.
5. Ensure you all get so drunk that you can no longer stand and you and your friends have to form some kind of precarious Jenga style tower arrangement where you are all leaning on each other in a way that you can all stay upright but if one were to leave you would all fall. Grab random people walking past, add them to your leaning tower and shout random things at them about how you are Irish and they will buy you a drink just to escape.
6. Exaggerate your Irish accent. I don’t even have an Irish accent, I am Northern Irish but on Paddy’s Day I got the accent on. Bartender will reward your efforts with a free t-shirts, free baseball caps, flags and posters.
7. Play the catchup game. If any late-comers turn up to join your group because it’s a Wednesday and most people have to work on Wednesdays, calculate the amount of hours the rest of the group has been drinking and make them take that many shots to catch up. This will make the next day at work for them really special.
8. At some point in the night you will run out of money, there you look to the nearest guy who is wearing green. Then you grab the nearest available female- your best friend, your sister, your mother, whatever- and start making out with her. This will earn you a free tray of Jello shots.
9. Fall on your face. Just literally get so drunk that being vertical seems like no fun at all and you just dive bomb the pavement. Land with your face on someone’s shoe though so you don’t become a bloody mangled mess. Make out with the person whose shoe you landed on.
10. Steal a beer tap. Like the ones from behind the bar that they pull pints from. Even better if you instantly forget that you stole it. Like you get a taxi home and you think you are somewhere near where you are supposed to be but you aren’t sure so you just get out and then your one friend that knows the way immediately belts off into the distance and you and your other friend are left on a dark street somewhere in Chicago. While reaching into your bag to find the cigarettes you will now start chain smoking to get you through the night you are preparing to spend on the side of the street, too drunk to continue, you discover something blue and silver and heavy that says Miller Lite on it. Oh, the alcohol gods have saved you! They have sent some kind of magical limited edition beer bottle into your life. Being a lovely generous Irish person you offer the first drink to your equally drunk friend who unscrews some kind of lid from it, drinks and declares it the most delicious thing she has ever drank. She passes to you but try as you might you cannot get any alcohol out the damn thing so call her a bitch for drinking all your rations and hit her in the face with it. Then you get rescued because it turns out you were already standing in front of the house you were staying in the whole time and the party continues. At some point the next day your friend remembers that beautiful drink you gave her from your bag. You investigate. And it is the bloody handle of the beer tap from the bar and you don’t know what the fuck she was drinking and are still none the wiser as to how it ended up in your handbag!
11. Become obsessed with hats. Run around the place only speaking to people with hats and make a photo album of you wearing a range of comical Irish related green hats. This works better if you are wearing the ill-fitting strapless dress detailed in point 2 because at this stage of the night your bra will be showing and other people will also be very keen to take photos of you. All the flashing lights, smiles and attention will do wonders for your self-esteem.
12. To top it all off, why not sleep with your Couchsurfing host? You don’t even have to have sex with him, any kind of nude fumbling of each other’s private parts you can manage before passing out in a terrible drunken stupor will be enough to ensure a nice dose of awkwardness for the next 2 nights you have to stay with him. Even better, get your friends to sleep with his roommates too. Share the shame!
So there you are, 12 great tips for 12 great hours of Paddy’s Day drinking. It also helps if you have red hair like I do because then the really dumb ones will believe you are indeed part Leprechaun. I feel the Americans consider that as being something similar to being part Inuit.
Sláinte is táinte, kids!